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1/23/11 02:09 am - grouchykitty11 - bueller, bueller, bueller......?

man!  it's a shame this community seems to be dead.  i would LOVE more of these stories.  they're the perfect blend of retail war stories and freakshow!

6/27/09 07:31 pm - sarahtoalaska - Another one.

 One of my least favorite things in the store is the "family" mags. I mean... uck. Part of me wants to punch someone when the bring those things up. I'm sure some of this is due to being molested as a child, but I try to tell myself that MAYBE this is their way to keep from doing something that's really really wrong. The fact that they are normally old men doesn't help. 

One of our regulars was an older black lady. (Sorry, I'm not PC) She was probably around late 60s or so. The first couple of times she brought the family mags up I was totally stunned. I just hadn't seen that one coming. I know, I should know better but still. I lived in the south for a long time, I would swear she just came in from a Southern Baptist Church picnic or something. I'm not joking. To see her in my store at all is kinda amazing. After a while she became a regular. She'd pop in about once a week. One day she asked for my help. This little old southern looking lady pulled out a STACK of covers from her purse. 'The Stack' was about an inch thick. She told me she kept the covers with her so she wouldn't get the same mag twice. Well of course, we wouldn't want that. 

After a while this lady popped up in a conversation with my manager. K (my manager) told be that wasn't even the best part, the lady WAS southern baptist. K tends to smoke on the phone and she's on the phone a LOT. So she can frequently be seen behind the building. So more than once she'd seen this lady park behind the store and go inside. Sure enough one day I was outside with her when the lady came out and got in her car. (I'm the designated "smoker" when there are non others. I just stand around and watch the other person do it) Her License plate actually said Psalms. She had all the usual jesus stickers and one for the local LARGE Southern Baptist church. 

Now I know it takes all types, and at least one hard core church goer is getting some.... but that one really tossed me on my fanny.

Sense I've never been to a Southern Baptist Church I have no idea what the general thought about family lovin' is.... and I don't think I wanna find out.

6/27/09 08:56 am - sarahtoalaska - What Story to tell....

 ... So hard to choose, probably because after a while certain things just aren't as weird anymore.

I think one of my most memorable stories was about the Rape Lady.

I'd only been working at my store for something like 6 months when this happened. Long enough that I was nearly considered a long timer (sad I know) but still 'new' enough that I could still get away with saying I might not have been around long enough to have seen something. Who am I kidding? I'll pull that card now if I have to. 

Anyway I work for a relatively well known store, it's quite nice and bright, no arcades or anything like that. One day a decent looking lady who was likely late forties or so asked for help. No problem. That's my favorite part of the job. She asked me where the Rape Porn was. 

Now she didn't ask IF we had rape porn, she just wanted to know where it was. I told her that honestly I didn't believe we'd ever cared anything like that, while I was trying to remind myself that this lady had the right to want what she wanted and that rape fantasies are are suppose to be 'normal' and common. Really I was new enough that my brain was wanting to ask the lady if she'd ever been raped. 

Lucky me, she was one of those customers where telling them you don't have something doesn't work. They just can't believe you don't have it. She wouldn't go away. I tried explaining that the closest thing we had was Gang Bang and tried to explain to her what that was and how it wasn't rape. She still wouldn't leave. So I try saying... "Well if we had any it would be over here". I take her to the fetish section and start flipping through the movies. I knew damned well we didn't have any, but she was one of those people you had to PROVE you didn't have something. I have no idea how many times I told her I had never seen Rape porn in here and that we just didn't have it and she still expected me to crap them out. 

Then  I tried the "Let me as the other associate, he's been her longer" bit. I actually did go over and ask the guy who'd been there for like two years. Of course he said "Yeah, we've never carried that. I don't even know if that's legal." I told him I knew, I was only asking so that I could tell the lady I HAD asked someone else. I went back and told her what the other guy said (sans the legal part. I don't know if she'd even care about that).... she stared at me and said. "Well when are you going to get them in?"

Um.... how about never? Does never work for you? Of course I would never say that. Think it loudly but never say, I'm very good at retail and I know what not to say. No matter how badly I want to. I mean really. If we have NEVER had something in... what makes you think I'd have some idea of when we would get it in now??? However I tried to explain that there would be no way for me to know that sense it's not something we've carried before. Finally she looked at me and said....

"Well I would think it would be more popular than that GAY PORN." She said it like it should be in bold and flung her arm toward our gay section. Well now I'm pissed. I mean I've been trying to help this dumb lady for 20 minutes or so, and now she's going to be insulting? I'm not gay.... but if you are in a adult store.... I think you need to be adult enough to accept other people are and keep your damned mouth shut. Of course a lot of people are childish or insulting in our store, but it still pissed me off. I backed off a little, looked at her and said..

"Actually our gay porn sells really well." Which was such a lie. Our gay porn is too pricy to sell well, but fuck her. I'd tried to make her happy. 

She responded with a loud and heartfelt "EWWW!!" 

Eww? You come in and ask me for rape porn and wanna judge someone else? Again I thought hard about asking if she'd ever been raped... what I said (when my mouth worked again) was... "Yeah, if you need any more help we'll be over there." and I just walked away.

Sometimes that's the best you can do. Please. Come into my store and pass judgement on someone else when you are asking for something that more than likely isn't even legal!

6/26/09 07:22 pm - sarahtoalaska - Is this community still... alive??

 I don't know why I didn't think to look for a porn store community 3 years ago when I started working in porn. I have tons of special little stories to tell!

7/1/05 02:01 pm - teh_dirty_robot

The Stranger is promoting Seattle's first ever amateur porn contest. Submissions can run the gamut from hardcore porn to gentle erotica, and must be between two and ten minutes in length.

I will be making a film for this contest.



Not like that, sicko. I'm going to be ANIMATING a film. The only thing is, I'm a little hungover and running low on inspiration, so I need some help getting started. I think the absolutely most entertaining porn plays off of current pop culture--stuff like Space Nuts. Parodies of pop culture give everyone a common starting ground, and can make the film more appealing if executed correctly. I have, however, been pleasantly surprised by such fare as Cap'n Mongo's Porno Playhouse, which wickedly twists the idea of a morning educational program into pornography.

So what I'm looking for is a little help in the ideas department. The idea I'm currently stuck on is something with zombies...a retro-ish "THEY ROSE FROM THE GRAVE....TO SUCK YOUR COCK!" sort of thing. Any ideas on what might be funnier or more entertaining? I've got to get started soon, I only have a month to conceptualize, animate, voice, and make music for this thing!

You know best, my porn clerk bretheren...help me make a masterpiece!

6/26/05 11:52 pm - hellespont - A field guide to the Southern Ontarian porn consumer

Just a small sampling of what I have to deal with on a daily (and nightly) basis:

Creepy Flower Guy: A fifyish flower delivery person who wants to be my boyfriend. At first I was extra-nice to him because I thought he might give me some free flowers if he had a stray tulip or gardenia rolling around the back of his truck, but I have learned my lesson. His compliments on my hair and figure have so far remained completely polite but I am starting to wonder what kind of relationship he thinks can start in a porn shack.

Leopard Lady: Sixtyish. Bleached blonde hair, tight lacy tank top, no bra, no concept of the personal space bubble. Fuzzy zebra-print handbag and fuzzy leopard-print sandals. She came in for a gift for a stag-and-doe party, and but didn't know what to get and needed me to explain everything. The vibrators, the premature ejaculation spray, the massage oil, the clitoral stimulation gel, the sex toaster, the slapper, the fake vaginas. But it was not a one-sided affair - she also offered her own wisdom on such topics at how 80% of women can't reach orgasm, the French teach their children to masturbate, men feel threatened by vibrators, her daughter-in-law likes sex toys, and she herself is aroused by the sight of a young couple making love. She also told me two dirty jokes and used the term "AC/DC" to refer to bisexuality, which I understand is retro like whoa. The whole process took at least forty five minutes and the kicker? She bought nothing.

Mr. Moneybags: Quite polite, somewhat twitchy, and very, very loaded. The first time he came in he bought 14 DVDs at a total price of over $300. A week later, he bought 25 DVDs which came to $712. And he had to come at 11:30 pm right when I was trying to close the place down. I kept telling him he had to bring his stuff up to the counter, because buying that many DVDs is a complicated transaction and after midnight, I'm essentially working for free. I was probably pretty visibly upset with him and the other molasses-like customers who wouldn't let me go freaking home (this after a extra-long ten hour shift, too) and when I ended up staying half an hour past closing to ring him through, he gave me twenty bucks. So that was nice.

I know the girl who works at our store's other location, and she says Mr. Moneybags comes in there a lot too. We've figured out between the two of us that he's spent about $2000 on porn in the last two days. We can't figure out what he's doing with it all. Making copies for illegal resale is our best guess. but there's miscellaneous evidence to the contrary. He always seems to be in a hurry and never wants to take his receipts or the DVD cases. I'll keep you updated as the saga unfolds. Unless Hollywood has lied to me, this is how Average Joes and Plain Janes get drawn into killer thrillers and international conspiracies, so that should make good Livejournal fodder too.
 

6/17/05 04:01 pm - luinerosiel

I work at a video store that also rents adult titles. We have some "regular" movies though that have names that could be pornos.

Riding Giants (its something about surfing)


Well...thats the only one I can remember right now. Anyone have any others?

6/14/05 12:23 pm - dread_pirate

Do any of your stores carry a movie starring Belladonna called 'Vampires Gultch"? I can't stop laughing at it, and I've been working there for a month now. I ended up renting it and there's a spelling mistake on the DVD menu, Vampires Glutch. Woops, haha.
 

6/14/05 01:46 pm - luinerosiel

We got some new dvds at my store recently. Some of the titles were great!

CSI:90210 Pussy Party
Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy
Strokin to the Oldies

Also, right now our adult rentals are rent 2 get 1 free. I exlpained this to one man, who said he wife would kill him if he rented three. But the thought about it, went back home to ask his wife, then came back and only got one.

5/8/05 12:59 pm - hellespont - Business is banging!

Well, I sent out a whole bunch of resumes for a summer job, and the only one to offer me enough hours was, you guessed it, the Porn Shack. So I'll have new stories, and I hope lots of you out there do too! This community needs to be revived, and I'm just the menial employee to do it.

Only worked three shifts so far, but already had two prank phone calls. One guy on a crackly speaker phone called to ask if he could buy 70 000 butt plugs. Dumb kid or supplier for the US military? He also called to ask about penis pumps but I hung up on him.

Yesterday I gave a crash course in bondage and dominance to a eager newbie-type who bought $200 worth of the gear I recommended. I wish we got commission.

We have some funny new titles. I am especially intrigued by something called Sex Lives of Clowns. And there was one called Holy Shit, Will It Fit?, but it was purchased by a decrepit, doddering old man who also picked up a nine inch realistic dildo to go with it.

In other news, I "love" explaining penis pumps and herbal sex potions to people who don't speak English.
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