Hellespont (hellespont) wrote in porn_clerks,
Hellespont
hellespont
porn_clerks

A field guide to the Southern Ontarian porn consumer

Just a small sampling of what I have to deal with on a daily (and nightly) basis:

Creepy Flower Guy: A fifyish flower delivery person who wants to be my boyfriend. At first I was extra-nice to him because I thought he might give me some free flowers if he had a stray tulip or gardenia rolling around the back of his truck, but I have learned my lesson. His compliments on my hair and figure have so far remained completely polite but I am starting to wonder what kind of relationship he thinks can start in a porn shack.

Leopard Lady: Sixtyish. Bleached blonde hair, tight lacy tank top, no bra, no concept of the personal space bubble. Fuzzy zebra-print handbag and fuzzy leopard-print sandals. She came in for a gift for a stag-and-doe party, and but didn't know what to get and needed me to explain everything. The vibrators, the premature ejaculation spray, the massage oil, the clitoral stimulation gel, the sex toaster, the slapper, the fake vaginas. But it was not a one-sided affair - she also offered her own wisdom on such topics at how 80% of women can't reach orgasm, the French teach their children to masturbate, men feel threatened by vibrators, her daughter-in-law likes sex toys, and she herself is aroused by the sight of a young couple making love. She also told me two dirty jokes and used the term "AC/DC" to refer to bisexuality, which I understand is retro like whoa. The whole process took at least forty five minutes and the kicker? She bought nothing.

Mr. Moneybags: Quite polite, somewhat twitchy, and very, very loaded. The first time he came in he bought 14 DVDs at a total price of over $300. A week later, he bought 25 DVDs which came to $712. And he had to come at 11:30 pm right when I was trying to close the place down. I kept telling him he had to bring his stuff up to the counter, because buying that many DVDs is a complicated transaction and after midnight, I'm essentially working for free. I was probably pretty visibly upset with him and the other molasses-like customers who wouldn't let me go freaking home (this after a extra-long ten hour shift, too) and when I ended up staying half an hour past closing to ring him through, he gave me twenty bucks. So that was nice.

I know the girl who works at our store's other location, and she says Mr. Moneybags comes in there a lot too. We've figured out between the two of us that he's spent about $2000 on porn in the last two days. We can't figure out what he's doing with it all. Making copies for illegal resale is our best guess. but there's miscellaneous evidence to the contrary. He always seems to be in a hurry and never wants to take his receipts or the DVD cases. I'll keep you updated as the saga unfolds. Unless Hollywood has lied to me, this is how Average Joes and Plain Janes get drawn into killer thrillers and international conspiracies, so that should make good Livejournal fodder too.
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